You'd never want to allow me into your house
Because I'd probably never leave
I'd eat up all your cereal
And leave a crease in your couch
No, you probably wouldn't ever want me in your house.

The Information Super Highway

  Hey you... Yes, you. You're not clever.
 
  Just because you can recite things you see or hear doesn't make you interesting, and passing off someone else's opinions as your own only makes the must vapid of sluts wet.
 
 You're a woodchipper, for which anyone can dump their ideas into and you'll spew them back out, smaller and simpler than the originally were.
 
Now I wish you all the best as I lead you off a cliff into to the maw of oblivion.
 
  I take joy in the simple things in life.

BOOM! GRIND TOWN CITY: HOLIDAY FUCK FEST (a rough draft)

(When I first wrote out this draft, I had an exact holiday in mind, and I wrote it with the characters from that holiday in mind.
  But when I showed the initial draft to people they were repulsed, confused, and outright offended. So I decided to to a search and replace on any mention of the main character or reference to the holiday in this text and just put a generic place holder over it.
I'm fairly certain that all allusions to it have been edited out. I will decide on another character on a later date. Enjoy!)

So there's like this kid, right? And his mom...No! His STEP-mom won't let him go ride skateboards with his skate gang 'the brotherhood of the shred' because of some gay holiday (we'll figure that shit out later) and his relatives are coming.
  Naturally dude is bummed out. So he's moping in his room, listening to Black Flag's My War backwards when he hears a knock on his window. He puts down the meth (He also was smoking meth, Should have mentioned that but my backspacne keys hgot stukc godfs da,n it hodfl on im gonna rtrie ott fix it just aminute... Okay I think it's better.)
  He puts down the meth and goes to see who's outside and wouldn't you know its 'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' standing right in front of him
  He's blown away! he can't believe 'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' is at his house so he says "What's up 'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' why are you at my here instead of doing ' APPROPRIATE HOLIDAY TRADITIONS' ?"
  'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' smiles back at him and says " I heard from 'OTHER WELL KNOWN HOLIDAY FIGURE' that your mom was being a total buzzfucker and ruining your 'UNDECIDED HOLIDAY' for you. So I decided I'd take you out on a 'UNDECIDED HOLIDAY' ride on my magic skateboard!
 Dude get's really excited but then he frowns, knowing that his step mom forbade him to go outside and skate "But 'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' how will we escape without my step mom knowing?"
'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' chuckles and replies "
That won't be a problem, I slipped her a roofie!" Dude high fives 'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' "ALRIGHT! LET'S RIDE!"

(Then something happens in between...we'll worry about that later)

  So dude returns to his home after a night of sweet stalefish to fakies and totally tweaked out boneless's over tranny's and he has to now say goodbye to 'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE'
  "Oh 'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' I had the best night of my life! I don't ever want it to end..."
  'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' looks at him longingly and cracks a smile  "it doesn't have to..."
  Then 'A RECOGNIZABLE HOLIDAY FIGURE' takes Dude in his arms and starts kissing him passionately. Dude gets mad wet from this and starts rubbing all over Jesus's dick...
  "Oh yeah Jesus take me, take me now!"
  Jesus rips dude's pants off "I've been waiting to do this to you for a long ass time."
  Dude laughs
  "Speaking of 'long ass', why don't you take that LONG dick of yours and put it in my ASS"
  Jesus gets wood and is about to thrust, when the scene fades out and we cut back to reality where we see that Dude really just overdosed on meth and this was all a crazy, meth dream.
The End!

The Jim and Them Halloween Special '09

Like Craig Owens If He Had a Pair

  One day I was just chillin, listen to some chill ass Sublime when something in my soul was ignited. I was suddenly compelled to throw off the shackles of my suburban, white (allegedly), middle class life and go out and shake the world. I decided I was going to start a movement.
 
A movement without a name, or a cause, or even a point. A musical revolution the likes of which no man, woman, or bro had ever seen or felt before.

 I was so energized by the thought I was going to leap off of my couch and shout it from the rooftops and dance like king David did (Naked, with a big dick)!
But then I realized I was listening to fucking sublime and shot myself in the face.
Nobody came to the funeral.

THE END.

Week in, and Week out.

I can't think of a worse fate then to be forever doomed to work with the general public, forever having to listen to their concerns about how sometimes their phone doesn't work fast enough, or how they won't buy korean because they "don't want no chinaman making their dishwasher".
Am I the only person in the world who goes into a store and looks for things themselves? Does everyone else imediately go up to the first employee they see, huff impatiently when they have to wait in line (like they learned to do in elementary school) and ask if they have the most obscure, hard to find (and most likely non-existant) item they can think of?
"Do you have wool  combs?"
What?
"WOOL COMBS, LIKE A COMB FOR A SHEEP!"
That doesn't exist
"WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR MANAGER YOU LITTLE SNOT"
Hold on sir, let me get him
Then I gut them with my bowie knife because I'm fucking rambo.
-Love,
 Jeff

Interesting...

Last night was entertaining to say the least, sometimes the people you never would expect go crazy.
Brief recap:
-Dark Crystal
-Beer's gross
-Watched geeksquad as a whole get very drunk
- GIANT BEAR HUG
- WHERE'S PAUL?
- GREENMAN
- Very revealing Bruno costume
- Broken bookshelf
- Watched someone puke into walmart bag
- Some kid no one knew wanted to nerd rage and fight a drunk kid
- Got a ride home from a upstanding young gentleman by the name of Jazz
-Slept
and now in the present I'm making macaroni and cheese (or Hard Mac as I like to call it)
Work in a little bit, then Where the Wild Things Are with my baby boo.